Lonoikamakahiki Reflections

Lonoikamakahiki Reflections

As the winds blow across the lands that raised me and the chill of the mountain I love comes in through the windows of my family home, I pause to reflect.

Many emotions came up for me yesterday and today around the passing of my father. I didn’t get the chance to know him before he left this realm. I don’t even know what his voice sounded like. The reality that I won’t get to hear his laugh or listen to his stories deepened this holiday season. I am so grateful to have his brothers and sisters in my life now. So grateful to know about him through their memories.

This morning my mom, Uncle Kalani, and I had a beautiful sharing. I spoke about my patterns and my journey of learning where they stem from. For a long time, I was so angry about what happened to me when I was a child. I didn’t know how to express myself without a certain kind of hardness and bitterness in my voice and energy. I send compassion to that part of me, understanding that I didn’t have the language to articulate my pain. Back then we weren’t talking about healing and releasing like we do now. I send that same compassion and love to my mothers younger self and give thanks for all of the ways we are finding healing together by working on ourselves.

I’m still learning how to soften and let tenderness in. I’m still sitting with forgiveness, just doing it in a different, more grounded way now.

I miss my Dad today and I’m mourning the time I didn’t get to spend with him in this life. At the same time, I’m grateful for Uncle Kalani, my Mom, and my sister, our family, and the family I’m getting to know in Guåhan. Feeling all of it and holding myself with grace as I do.